one day at a time….

I learned that as a kid. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic or two….

Little did I realize how much all that would apply to my every day life now as a none drinking, sober adult. My boss will ask me, “What time do you work tomorrow?”.  I’ll shake my head and reply, “I don’t know yet, i’m still working today!”. One day at a time!

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t!  So I left off on Day 4…..

Day 5 A DAY OFF from work!!!  It’s Sunday, we should be taking today off from dialysis too!!! I’m exhausted!! I feel like one week was more like one month. I even feel asleep on the couch. That seems to happen a lot lately….  I hear him setting up the machine and my blood boils and my heart races and I’m instantly mad. WHY seriously WHY?!?!?! Does he think we are going to do 6 days straight till his appointment on Wednesday? Does he think he can handle that? Does he think I CAN?  So I get up and try to change my way of thinking. I have to start with me, right!  So I talk to him and eventually rationalize, talk myself into, doing the treatment and talking Monday night off. I work 5am-2pm Monday and maybe Monday I’ll be more tired then I usually am…..good point….i mean do i really need to have a full day off from everything….it would be nice…but i guess not….  These are the ramblings in my head, all the time. The treatment happened. He didn’t feel good after either. It was to much, to many days in a row.

Day 6 Was a nice day off from dialysis! I worked….5am -2pm is a miserable shift!! But guess who went to bed before 10pm!!! YES ME!!!

Day 7  My first night shift. Should have been our first morning dialysis. But he forgot to make a batch after day 5’s batch was out. So, instead i’m sitting here listening to the machine make a batch….thinking, I get off work at 9pm…dialysis will be late…great…ya I’m off tomorrow, but we have a 1.5 hour drive to our clinic visit and I can’t stand the drive and always fall asleep….agh….he won’t sleep tonight so he won’t be good for the driving either….frustration setting in…..

What do you do tho…ONE DAY AT A TIME. BREATHE….JUST BREATHE!

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2 years 1 month and a melt down later….

I should have started this blog 2 years ago when this all began. Can you imagine the things I could have said!!?? So now that we are 2 years and almost 2 months into complete renal failure, where do I begin. First, I am not a writer, please do not correct my spelling, grammar or any of that stuff. I am doing this in hopes to help myself and maybe someday someone will stumble upon this and realize they are not alone.

I am not the patient.

That statement says a lot. I don’t have a right to complain. Yet I have so much to say. I am not the patient, I am the caregiver! I am the wife, a mom, a grandmother and the one who ran a home for 21+ years before our world came crashing down. Now for the past 6 months I have added full time employment. I started with part time cashier and quickly became a sort of “manager”. I did this with the hope and full belief that my husband would be home and would now become the person who takes care of the house………….

We do home hemo dialysis. Meaning, I hook him up to a machine at home and we do dialysis at home for 3 hours, 4 with all work included. We do this 5 days a week. It’s been 17 months, minus the 2 weeks he just spent in center for my “break”. It was suppose to be a full month, but I couldn’t handle watching him drown in fluid or listen to him in pain when he would come home from the center. I do wish I had those 2 extra weeks tho…..

So, Day 4……

This is where I decided to begin this blog/diary of a super/wonder women I can do it all-RIGHT?????

Day 1 Begins with work 8 hours. Head to the store for a few grocery’s. Come home ,hook him up to the machine. Clean the house-just a little every day. It’s gone 2 weeks without being done now, so it’s going to take time. Im just to tired to do it all. I have 2 kids at home. My 18 year old who is a full time student and also works most nights, and my 22 year old who works a lot of hours, usually more then full time. Tonight she’s home!!! She helps me out by cooking dinner. We decide to cook two nights worth of meat, two meals!! Two loads of laundry washed! One in the basket-one in the dryer!! Then an emergency wash of bath rugs after our mother cat, who recently had 5 kittens, has an accident ALL OVER MY BATHROOM!!! Kitchen clean, dinner put away….SUCCESSFUL NIGHT!

Day 2 Another 8 hour day of work. Hard day, I’m sore and tired. Come home, hook hubby up, clean a little. Warm up the meat-feels like a Manwich night!! Throw in a load of laundry, but leave the load in the dryer from the night before. The basket is still in the living room from the night before too!! Dinner gets put away.  ANOTHER ONE FOR THE BOOKS!

Day 3 Another 8 hour day of work. A much easier day!! I set dinner out before leaving. Maybe not for tonight, but maybe a crock pot meal for tomorrow. Unless someone puts it in crock pot today….hmmm!!! Im working hard at keeping a positive attitude and not letting my depression get the best of me. It’s been a big struggle for several months now. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would feel depressed/overwhelmed/tired/exhausted….. Anywho, come home from work, hook hubby up and keep a positive attitude about dinner. We can have waffles-no we are out of those and syrup. Ok, so lets just order pizza!  I made sure to put left overs in the fridge. It will be a good lunch tomorrow! I actually have a day off tomorrow.

Day 4 I’m off work today. Up at 7am. Walk into the kitchen and find the meat still on the counter……  My son brought home left over food from work, a good amount of food, enough to feed us tonight for dinner, if it hadn’t been left out on the counter all night. I realize the washer is still full from 2 nights ago, so is the dryer, so is the laundry basket that has been moved around the living room for days now. We have 3 catboxes. 4 cats. NO ONE cleans them out except me. I keep up with the one in my bathroom for momma cat. We moved her out and I started shutting the door yesterday instead of cleaning it. So today I get the pleasure of dumping and bleaching at least 2 of the boxes. One sits in the 22 year olds room…I wont even get into that. I rewash laundry, wash work clothes, redry whats in the dryer so i can hang up those work clothes, fold the laundry in the basket to be put in someones room….yes one big ol long run on sentence…. My husband looked for something in our closet, OMG, what a mess. So now i play tetris, which I was never good at, and try to place it all back. Dinner???? Dinner???? OMG…..See this time around Dialysis was suppose to be easier on me. Yes, I dare say that. Maybe that’s a good blog for tomorrow. My list of things to do is growing and I’m losing time.

Todays moral of the story, Day 4 is NOT an easier day. I am not feeling better. I am still trying. My day off and I will spend it cleaning. The 18 year old will sleep till he goes to work and the 22 year old worked two shifts, one being midnight to 7am. She’s off to bed for the whole day. Hubby hasn’t slept yet. He will…when I start cleaning!!

Welcome to my Super Wonder what am I doing wrong LIFE!